Sunday thinking of Dad

I’ve had an odd day this Sunday. The early part was spent cleaning my house, seeing what else is going onto my growing list of little things to fix. I took a break to watch some of the news about Tony Snow. It’s a shame he died so young. My condolences to his family.

I then saw Walk The Line, and then most of Deep Impact. The combination of all these events had me looking at my photo of my father over and over. Now most who know me can attest to the fact that I am not an emotional man. Not even a little. But on this rainy day I must say that I am touched with memories of my father who was slightly younger than Tony Snow when he died in 2001.

Let me share a thought of my dad. Of the many things I can say there are a few things that stick out in my mind.

One memory is the worst beating he ever gave me. Now some might think that odd, but for me it is a lesson that he taught me.

I had decided to cut school on a Friday. I got caught. The following Monday I did it again thinking my mother would not check. She did. And called my father, who told her he was on his way.

That evening, as I went to sleep I thought I was safe. Dad had not shown up yet so I believed he wasn’t going to make it. I was very wrong.


In the middle of the night I was awoken by my mother. She informed me that my father was in the living room as she woke up my brother and sister. We went in there and sat down as Dad proceeded to inform me and my siblings how upset he was. The reason for the delay turned out to be that his car broke down. He then had to call a friend and ask to borrow his car to come to me. He also had to explain why he needed to see me. And then there was the ever present and horrendous traffic from Long Island to the Bronx.

After informing us of how badly I had disappointed him, he took me to my mother’s bedroom got her out of the room and locked the door as she cried out for pity for me. Dad spent a few moments asking why I failed to respect my mother, or to waste the education that school was providing me. He asked me what motivation I could have had to flagrantly disobey my mother and him on the previous Friday. I had no answer besides I thought it would be fun.

When my dad slapped me it was not to hurt me. It definitely was meant to sting me and to gain my attention. In all I recall 4 slaps. In hindsight it was nothing. I don’t recall even having a bruise. Which says a lot as my father stood 6’ 2”, 220 lbs, with a hook in place of one arm and half a prosthetic leg. He was a Viet Nam vet who had bullet and mortar shell wounds to show for it. He was capable of, and had on more than one occasion, cleared a bar by beating 7 men unconscious by himself. So again, for all his anger and his intent to provide me discipline he never actually hurt me because he didn’t want to.

Where is the lesson?

Self-discipline is one. That even in anger you should be aware of everything you do, and in control. Another would be that the expectations others place on you is important for them and you. If you are trusted, and/or given a second chance, you must live up to that. The consequences of your actions affect many more people than just yourself, and that ripple effect can be damaging to some you have never considered involved or aware of your actions. That as a man, young or not, I should hold myself to a high standard and not be swayed by peers or half-thought impulses. That as a man, my children are always my responsibility no matter my connection to their mother. That I am a part of my child’s life, and I need to be a presence in that life.

That one night my father taught me life lessons. I’ve never forgotten them. I try to live by all of them, and sometimes I fail but I do try.

So some may find this moment in my life harsh. Some may think it was an over-reaction. At the time I thought it was painful. But as I grew into a man that both my mother and father are proud of I realized the person in the most pain that night was my father. I failed him and my mother for no reason. I’ve tried to never do that again, initially out of fear and as I matured out of respect and understanding. I believe I’ve never failed my family in such a manner ever since.

I miss my father from time to time, and I have many happy memories. And I have memories of lessons I learned without ever noticing at the time he was giving them to me. And today has been a day to reflect on all of those thoughts.

Thank you for listening.