Movie Review: GI Joe

The summer movies of 2009 have been a series of letdowns. Which is not to be confused with the amount of money that the films have generated. When all you have is the equivalent of sand instead of the water of entertainment, well many go and spend their money anyway. Add in the cost of going to a movie and the numbers look astounding.

GI Joe was a film that some hoped would defeat that trend. And having seen the film I can honestly say that such hopes are completely dashed. GI Joe is almost exactly what it seems. A waste of time and less entertaining than the Saturday Morning cartoon.

Let's start with the basics. The visual looks of the film are decent. Not great, not wonderful, just ok. Part of that is due to the constant use of massive amounts of CGI throughout the film. It just takes a bunch of the realisim the film was hoping to attain in live action, and throws it off a roof. Seperate of the CGI, well it's just not visually compelling.

The acting is another thing. If the visuals are just average, the acting takes the film to a new low. In thinking about the whole cast, I cannot name a single actor that sttod above the others. With the exception of Snake Eyes (Ray Park) and the 2 child actors portraying Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow (Leo Howard and Brandon Soo Hoo, respectively).

Snake Eyes stands out for one main reason. He never spoke in the whole film. All he had to do was move around. We didn't even get to see his face, not even his eyes, once in the film. Which made this the standout role in the film. Literally this was the best acting and character simply because that role had the least problems.

The worst acting would likely be Marlon Wayans, or Joseph Gordon-Levitt as Cobra Commander. Followed closely by every other character in the film. There isn't a single character you could care about, nor that you might believe. Not one had any spark that would make you root for or against them.

But if you were wondering about the plot - perhaps it provides a reason to still see the film - don't worry. It too is as bad as every other element in the film. Obviously the writers were lost between making a kid's film and something for adults.

Start with the fact that the film rewrote the entire team. GI Joe is supposed to be an all American military force. But to make the film sell overseas they have been changed to a secret NATO force. So already the film revisions its source material.

Considering the intelligence of all the military forces involved, I would be surprised if the Boy Scouts wouldn't be a better choice for defending the nation. Not a single writer was probably involved in the military, nor the director or producers or the Hollywood execs.

***Spoiler Alert***

Destro (Christopher Eccleston) is a multi-national arms dealer that sells 70% of all the arms and defenses used in the world. Which is just dumb to start with. But he sells NATO, and the GI Joe team, all their equipment. So why is any of their gear equal to the COBRA troops? Or how about having a failsafe that prevents their weapons from working against his guys? Or why not just hack into their systems to find out what they know and when? Besides the fact that he should know where their secret bases are since he could track each and every item they have?

Then there are the accelerator suits. Really useless. Which is why they are unused throughout 90% of the film. Other than the big scene in the trailer. Because if they used the suits they should mop up the COBRA guys in minutes. Not that COBRA had any equivalent outfits, which they should since DESTRO sold them.

I won't even get into the nanobot issue.

***SPOILER END***

So back to the plot. GI Joe is so secret that the whole outfit is exposed some 7 minutes into the film. They are so good that all of 4 people handle 90% of all the work.

The one thing the team seems really good at is creating massive destruction as they go about their jobs. What they do in France is a contruction workers paradise. The cost in money and lives is enough to make you wonder why any nation would want these guys protecting anything. So much for never failing at anything.

Oh, and the "love story" or whatever is going on with Ripcord (Wayans) and Scarlett (Rachel Nichols) fits better for kids in elementary school than anything else.

How dumb is the plot? Well unless you believe fire burns underwater, and that ice doesn't float in water, the plot is incredibly stupid. Even a 5 year old will see the plot holes and illogic.

I'd go into more detail but I don't want to spoil it more. If such a thing is possible.

I wouldn't take young kids to this film. As I mentioned earlier there is lots of collateral damage. You don't see the hordes that get killed, but it is obvious that they die. A lot.

Perhaps the one great thing is the fact that the battles between Storm Shadow (Byung-hun Lee) and Snake Eyes is interesting. Short but decent.

So would I advise anyone to see this film? No. There is a reason why the film was not shown to critics (except a couple of guaranteed extra positive reviews). I honestly can't understand why this film was marketed to anyone over the age of 5. And that might be an insult to 5 year olds.

Don't see this film. Watch the cartoon version instead and at least enjoy you money.